Oh, Christmas…a time for family, friends, and frenzied shopping expeditions for aforementioned family and friends.
Sticking the year’s most anticipated holiday occasion in the midst of the season’s darkest, bleakest days (it is around the time of the winter solstice after all) helps to distract us all from just how miserable the weather is being to us.
And it was rather miserable yesterday, as a violent storm buffeted the hell out of the British Isles, disrupting holiday travel plans and generally scaring the shit out of me.
Who’s got it worse? Everyone’s whose trains were canceled or this man about to be eaten by his own umbrella?
But that’s typical, isn’t it? I mean every time I go off to do a big shop at the supermarket, the weather takes a turn for the worse. Without fail. As I left my neighbourhood super yesterday afternoon, laden with 8 bags full of veg and goodies for tomorrow’s Christmas feast, sheets of rain fell down and heavy winds threatened to tip my shopping cart and its contents over onto the curb.
Today, when all I have on my list is a joint of lamb — much the to the dismay of every Brit I know — the skies are clear and nary a breeze has floated by. So long as I avoid a puddle of epic proportions — pretty much a pond at this point — at this junction near my apartment, I should be nice and dry all day long.
At this point, I’m ready for Christmas to be over and done with. And it’s not because I’m some sort of holiday-hating humbug. In fact, I’m very much looking forwards to tomorrow, being quite eager to share a hearty meal with my friends, show off our crappy, improvisational Christmas tree, and exchange our poorly wrapped presents.
I’m just sick and tired of seeing articles detailing how much weight we’re all going to gain over the holidays.
Yes. It’s all over the internet, so it must mean that it’s true: Christmas is coming, and it’s going to turn you into a massive fat-ass. Then there are all the articles detailing how to avoid turning into a tub of lard this holiday season.
Nom nom nom. Image from Ask Coach Andy.
Holiday weight-gain is, of course, completely in keeping with the fact that losing weight usually tops the charts as the no. 1 New Year’s resolution.
Paradoxically, everything lovely and designer goes on sale the day after we’ve all gorged ourselves silly. So who is it exactly that’s snapping up all those cocktail dresses in sizes 6, 8 and 10 (i.e. in XS and S, and an ungenerous M) come boxing day?
Probably not you, and definitely not me. I’d be too busy sleeping in, having spent a fitful night rolling around in my bedsheets, cradling my distended belly.
And with that charming image now seared in your poor mind’s eye, I’d like to wish you all a very merry Christmas. Be sure to enjoy your family and friends, eat lots of goodies, drink to your heart’s content, and just generally have a good time.
The Handbook will be clocking out for a few days — there’s a meal to prepare, last minute Boxing Day shopping to take care of, and a flight to catch. I’ll be back on the 28th, maybe the 29th. The 30th if I really want to push it.
Because sometimes even ne’er-do-wells need a holiday.